Is Divorce Mediation Right for You?

The requirements for a successful divorce mediation process

Although the benefits of divorce mediation are overwhelming, this path is not necessarily suitable for all divorcing couples.

The following article provides the basic requirements for a successful divorce mediation process. After reading this article you will know if you and your spouse can go through divorce mediation.

If you are still not sure if divorce mediation is right for you give us a call or schedule a free divorce mediation consultation

1st Requirement for Divorce Mediation - Both Agree to Divorce Mediation

The first, and most basic requirement for mediation, is that both of you are willing to mediate. Mediation requires two active voices in the room. The goal is to get an agreement that reflects what each of you needs, in order to move forward in your life. If you are not both willing and voluntary participants, then we will not have two voices, and we will come up with an unbalanced document (which should not even be called an “agreement” since it would not be the product of 2 people agreeing).

2nd Requirement for Divorce Mediation - Both Are Determined to Settle The Matter

I am continually astonished in my work, by the way that a situation can seem especially hopeless and bleak – and then the participants come up with amazing, thoughtful and creative solutions.

There are times during mediation that I am (secretly) feeling, “Oh no, there’s no solution.” We end the session, and probably all feel bad – and then two weeks later, the couple comes back. We sit down to discuss the issue and find that – things have shifted a bit. New understandings have arisen. New ideas about ways to solve it come up. One idea stimulates another. Maybe it won’t get resolved that day, but the problem has changed; and maybe it will be resolved at the next meeting.

Remember, divorce mediation is a tool. We will guide you through the process and provide you with a platform that will help you communicate your needs, but at the end of the day you will need to go the extra mile in order to reach an agreement.

3rd Requirement for Mediation - Both Can Be Active Participants

Divorce mediation requires that both of you will be present throughout the mediation process. Divorce mediation is a two party process, it can not be done with only one side pressent.

If your spouse lives in a remote location we may consider conferencing over the phone but it is highly recommended that at least the first few meetings will be done when both of you and the mediator are in the same room.

4th Requirement for Divorce Mediation You Both Want To Settle the Case, and Move On

Litigation is an outrageously expensive process. I have seen couples who have burned through all the equity they built up in their house during their marriage, on attorney fees. Why would someone do this? One reason is that they seek revenge. As one woman said, “I’d rather spend it all, or give it to charity, then see him get a penny of it.”
If you feel so angry at your ex that you want to destroy him/her – then mediation will not be the right process for you. Litigation allows you to spend money to torture the other person, so that is where you should go, if that’s how you are feeling.
(You can still mediate if you are angry. Most people who are separating/divorcing feel very angry at some point in the process – that is normal.)
Mediation requires a focus on the long-term, and the big picture. You must think about your ex and – on some level – hope to honor your past love for each other, the years of your lives that you spent together - and wish each other well – or at least OK – in the future.
If you have children – it sometimes help to think about the fact that your ex – no matter how terrible his/her behavior has been – is your child’s other parent. Your child(ren) will do best if they have two stable parents who are able to give to them, and love them, when they are with each of you. Which means that (much as we all have moments where we’d like to) you can’t have total destruction of your ex as your goal, if you want to mediate.

5th Requirement for Divorce Mediation - Full Transparency

You can’t make informed decisions if you do not have all of the information on which to base your decisions. In mediation, we will not have the power of the court behind us to compel people to produce credit card statements, bank statements, stock options, small business records, etc. Most couples who choose mediation feel confident that they know what each other has, and don’t need to engage in formal disclosure.
At a minimum, each person must be willing to voluntarily provide any information to the other person which is requested. Mediation would not be right for someone who wants to ‘make a deal’ without revealing their cards.

6th Requirement for Divorce Mediation - No Patterns of Intimidation/Control

If you and your spouse have a history of violence between you, you probably should use more traditional methods for negotiating your divorce. It is difficult to speak freely and express what you want if you fear that you will pay for your words later.

Good mediation practice includes initial and ongoing screening for intimate partner violence. However, studies show that it is the victim herself who is the best judge of what is needed to keep her safe. If you have a clear belief that mediation is your best option, Divorce Mediator New York has mediators who are trained specifically in mediation for families who have experienced intimate partner violence, such as:

1. Written guidelines of behavior which, if violated, will trigger immediate termination;
2. Presence of your advocate, relative or friend during mediation;
3. Separate mediation appointments for you and your ex;
4. Telephone/conference call mediation appointments, with no face-to-face meetings.

Want to be 100% sure if divorce mediation is right for you? give us a call or schedule a free divorce mediation consultation