Is Divorce Mediation Right For You?

Does your divorce case fit for divorce mediation

Although there are many benefits for divorce mediation, this path is not necessarily suitable for all divorcing couples. The following checklist will take you through the basic requirements for a successful divorce mediation process.  

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1st Requirement - You Both Agree to Get a Divorce

The end product of divorce mediation is your divorce agreement. If you are not sure that you wish to get a divorce you should probably contact a marriage counselor who can help you reach a decision on whether or not to end your marriage. 

2nd Requirement - You Both Agree to Participate

The most basic requirement for mediation, is that both of you are willing to mediate. Mediation requires two active voices in the room. The goal is to get an agreement that reflects what each of you need, in order to move forward with your life. If you are not both willing and voluntary participants then there is no chance of reaching a balanced and acceptable divorce agreement, which is what divorce mediation is all about.  

3rd Requirement - Both of You Can Be Present

Divorce mediation requires that both of you will be present throughout the mediation process. In order to maintain our neutrality, we do not conduct mediation session when only one person is present.  

If your spouse lives in a remote location we may consider conferencing over the phone but it is highly recommended that at least the first few meetings will be done when both of you and the mediator are in the same room. 

4th Requirement - Full Transparency

You can’t make informed decisions if you do not have all of the information on which to base your decisions. In mediation, we will not have the power of the court behind us to compel people to produce credit card statements, bank statements, stock options, small business records, etc. Most couples who choose mediation feel confident that they know what each other has, and don’t need to engage in formal disclosure.

At a minimum, each person must be willing to voluntarily provide any information to the other person which is requested. Mediation would not be right for someone who wants to ‘make a deal’ without revealing their cards. 

5th Requirement  - No Patterns of Violence

If you and your spouse have a history of violence between you, you probably should use more traditional methods for negotiating your divorce. It is difficult to speak freely and express what you want if you fear that you will pay for your words later.

Good mediation practice includes initial and ongoing screening for intimate partner violence. However, studies show that it is the victim herself who is the best judge of what is needed to keep her safe. If you have a clear belief that mediation is your best option, Divorce Mediator New York has mediators who are trained specifically in mediation for families who have experienced intimate partner violence. 

In these cases we may use the following mechanism:

1. Written guidelines of behavior which, if violated, will trigger immediate termination;
2. Presence of your advocate, relative or friend during mediation;
3. Separate mediation appointments for you and your ex;
4. Telephone/conference call mediation appointments, with no face-to-face meetings.

6th Requirement - You Wish to Move On (Not to Get Even)

We have seen couples who have burned through their entire savings on attorney fees for one reason  - they sought revenge. As one woman said, “I’d rather spend it all, or give it to charity, then see him get a penny of it.” 

If you feel so angry at your ex that you want to destroy him/her – then mediation will not be the right process for you. 

That doesn't mean you can't mediate if you are angry! Emotions will probably erupt through the divorce mediation process, that is only natural and it is important to the process that these emotions will be expressed. Yet, mediation requires a focus on the long-term and the big picture. You must both believe and understand that reaching an acceptable divorce agreement is your mutual interests if you want to move on with your life.

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